Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize