dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
