Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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