I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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