shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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