If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
