Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
