It's Friday. Sex?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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