Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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