She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize