So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
