I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
