there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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