What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
