she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
