Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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