i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
