Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
