awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
