The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
