hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
