I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
