he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
