Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
