Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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