Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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