dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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