So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
