Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
