it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
