God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
