Got a toothbrush?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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