New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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