so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
