my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
