dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
