I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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