why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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