I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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