Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I accidentally had phone sex last night
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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