I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
