and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
