I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
