I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
