sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
