tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
