every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize