shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
