absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Drunk is a universal language darling
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
