I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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