My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
