Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
