i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
