So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize