We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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